I WANTTO LEAVE ;A;

COME TO MY HOUSE

I WANT TO BUT NOT WITHOUT MY LAPTOP

JUST
CHAIN IT AWAY

UH WHAT

I MEAN
GET IT AWAY OR SOMETHING
OFF THE CHAIN

I CANT

USE A SAW

I DO NOT HAVE A SAW

YOUR DAD DOES
I SAW IT
HA HA HA haHA

WHAT

I SAW HIS SAW
SAW

AAAAAAAAA

-I really like you name
its good alliteration
Caitlin Cassidy
like you should be Nancy Drew's sidekick or something

-you know, i'd never thought of my name like that
what a great thing to aspire to

-heh
absolutely
but no it flows off the tongue

-however isnt her sidekick already the little mexican kid?

-i dunno
dont care
you'd make a better one

-Lucky fucking cats

-they dont know how well they have it
with their fur
and their eyes

-Nine lives Kate

-that too
but mostly their fur and eyes

-Tails

-legs
back

-We already have those...

-true
but do we really?

-Well we definitely have better backs than my grandmas cat

-but are they actual backs?

-Or just spare fronts?

-does anybody know?

-No one can ever know

-why is life such a mystery

-YOU ARE MY MOTHER'S SISTER'S CHILD

-AM I IN REAL LIFE

-yes.

-THAT IS CRRRAAZZYZYZYYZYZY
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN

-i don't want to get into the specifics, discussing consummation makes me mildly uncomfortable

-WAIT, WE'RE PREGNANT WITH EACH OTHER?

-don't you remember that hot steamy night in Timbuktu?

-ONLY FROM A NOVEL I ONCE READ
ABSENT OF SEX

-I used my psychic powers to impregnate you

-I DONT THINK THATS SCIENTIFICALLY POSSIBLE

Just found an essays worth of Facebook status.

Jordan Santos
Why do I love Green Day? Okay. I'll tell you why.
Before I found them, I was majorly depressed. I was in a place I didn't want to be in, I was over 125kgs, i had no friends, everybody hated me, and I was headed down the path of suicide. I was looking to put some new music on my iPod to listen to while I was going to do it, until I came across Green Day's album "American Idiot". I listened to it, and I felt for the first time in a long time that somebody actually understood. The song "Jesus Of Suburbia" was the song that got me through it all. I felt that I had so much more to live for. It's been about a year now since I started listening to them, and my life has changed dramatically. I now weigh about 85kg, and a quarter of that is muscle, I'm not severely depressed anymore, I live with my father in relative peace, and life is so, SO different for me now. Green Day is the reason I took up playing guitar, they are the reason I started writing my own songs, and they are the reason I am alive and healthy today.

well this is just ridiculous. I mean for one thing, nobody even asked this guy why he loves Green Day in the first place.

woo clerks

Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! There you go, tryin' to pass the buck; I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to get back together with his ex-girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one?! You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself! "I'm not even supposed to be here today." You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante — and badly, I might add. I work in a shitty video store — badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, God forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here? - Randal

Heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper? On his way down past each floor, he kept saying to reassure himself: So far so good... so far so good... so far so good. How you fall doesn't matter. It's how you land. - La Haine

“There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad.”

“There was an intelligence about him (Joe Strummer) that allowed his band to change and evolve, just as Johnny Rotten and the Sex Pistols were disappearing up their own bondage trousers. And there was a generosity about Strummer, too, a warmth and humanity about the guy. He was a brilliant musician, a beautiful man, and a charismatic artist.The Clash were not about milking if for a lifetime...I thought they were the greatest band I had ever seen. And, half a lifetime on, in a large part of my soul, I still do...They changed lives. They certainly changed mine. Because they made me believe that, with passion and commitment and a bit of fire in your belly, you could be exactly the person you wanted to be.” - Tony Parsons

I've been bound to the memories of yesterday's clouds.

Well I'm beginning to see the light. Some people work very hard, but still they never get it right. Well I'm beginning to see the light. There are problems in these times, but none of them are mine. Baby, I'm beginning to see the light.
Here we go again,
I thought that you were my friend.
Here we go again,
I thought that you were my friend.









How does it feel to be loved? How does it feel to be loved?

"I will be with you when you lose your breath"

things my mother hates:
'people i love dying / rats / being an unhappy family / deadlines / injustice / ageing'

Some pictures of a squirrel I saw that was awesome:




things that make me happy/want to cry:

grandfathers walking through parks -
leaves falling from trees -
songs like
here comes the sun -
children who
smile as
wide
as possible
-
laughing on bikes - lying on bright towels - humming on silent trains - kicking stones -
when water ripples -
the word ;
'echo'
-

she remembers building huts on her parents farm in the place where she only now knows she felt safest she used to swim in the river with her friends and convince people you were walking on sheep bones and by the time the other children realised it was just sticks there was no longer any significance in the car with her mother she listened to jazz records and grew up liking them in secret but now alone in the safety of her room she listens to 'bright side of the road' and remembers kicked up dust covering the tyres and bumping along tracks worn with occasional use and her mothers raspy voice like sand paper she thinks back to the days of sitting in a classroom looking outside at the clouds that seemed to be spinning and learning french verbs based entirely on the dreams of one day going there from her peeling wooden desk in the middle of an ocean her fantasies seemed as far away as the places in which they existed je vois tu vois il voit nous voyons vous voyez ils voient but her mother told her while hanging billowing washing on rusting lines 'believe in yourself, because theres nothing else to believe in' so she looked at the clouds and imagined the world she had not yet seen and now that she had she missed the days of shelter and grass and heat and afternoons her father used to strike huge dusty books onto the dining room table about faraway lands with exotic words speaking of people they had never before seen and she pored over them with him in their cramped spaces that seemed to extend across the entire universe and now that she'd discovered it all with a pounding heart he had filled with hope she discovered that she had loved them most in their faded dining room, closer to pure happiness than she had ever again managed to salvage.

Dear Sir, I have a complaint. Can't remember what it is.

He sat on the train eating peaches.
Tie loose and crumpled, he rubbed his hands together after he finished each one.
Rip peach in half, bite down on flesh, gently remove stone, bite down on flesh, 'patterns' I think 'we live by them.'
His skin was dark and olive, his arms thin and delicate;
'i used to be a gymnast.'
My mother talked to him about home, he said; 'I'll go back to see my parents die.'
I watched his eyes as he spoke,
small and dark brown,
he squinted
when he tried to think of something.
My mother laughed like shattering glass,
'whats money got to do with it?'
He looked at her through thick framed glasses,
'i fear you're right.'
Conversation trickled into choppy silences, burst back again quickly, slowly,
I thought;
'talking to people is like a dance.'
- - -
We reached our stop and got up, hasty and fumbling 'nice to meet you, what are the odds!' my mum called in a
rushed breath,
the man smiled his smile, then said it in a whisper while looking at an invisible speck somewhere beyond the window;

'it's funny, isn't it.'

The memories come in wisps. They blow through the wind and creep up on me when I least expect it. I sit outside and feel the wind rush across the street, then a few words of a forgotten song plays and drapes me in thick nostalgia. I remember on Tuesdays I would sit on a piano stool in a quiet room, a place where outside sounds arrived in faint gasps, and brush keys with my fingers. And when I took away my hand the piano left traces of dust where my press had lingered. On those days, there was nothing to do but let yourself drift. I didn't think to play the piano, I don't think I had ever learnt how. But I rested on the keys and brushed away slivers of dust so it didn't feel as lonely. I learnt the signifigance of appearance. Sometimes I sat with a friend I have long since forgotten and listened to her play shaky chords of sad songs that she sung in a whisper, and the beauty of it made the room feel like it was sinking into the sea, to a place so small and deep underground you lost the concept of 'outside.' There was just here, and us, and the slow trickle of notes. I've forgotten so much of my life, so many thoughts, so many feelings, so many faraway dreams, but every time I hear the flutter of a piano I think of Tuesday afternoons and diving deep, deep under, into a darkness so complete you could, for a fleeting second,

see.

When you were young You were the king of carrot flowers And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet And your mom would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder And dad would throw the garbage all across the floor As we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for And this is the room One afternoon I knew I could love you And from above you how I sank into your soul Into that secret place where no one dares to go And your mom would drink until she was no longer speaking And dad would dream of all the different ways to die Each one a little more than he could dare to try

The two most purchased items in supermarkets are cigarettes and coke.
This is a metaphorical reflection of the current society in which we live.


I would have thought;
toilet paper and milk. Something like toilet paper and milk. At least toilet paper though. I mean, do people really smoke more than they take a shit?
Weird.

Quite depressing, too. Like, no wonder people die young. Do people die young? No wonder theres disease, then. Or suicide. Or even just obesity really.

~

The paramedics took Cecilia to Bon Secours Hospital on Kercheval and Maumee. In the Emergency room Cecilia watched the attempt to save her life with an eerie detachment. Her yellow eyes didn't blink, nor did she flinch when they stuck a needle in her arm. Dr. Armonson stitched up her wrist wounds. Within five minutes of the transfusion he declared her out of danger. Chucking her under her chin, he said "What are you doing here, honey? You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets."
And it was then Cecilia gave orally what was to be her only form of a suicide note, and a useless one at that, because she was going to live:
"Obviously, Doctor," she said, "you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl."

switch on summer from a slot machine

woo there is tomato sauce all over my hand and i have no idea how it got here and my mum is drunk and phoebe is drunk and they keep coming in like yep lets all have a big old party in caitlins room why not bring your friends. And I dunno. Last night was nice when I was looking through spencers amazing cd collection and records and wow there were like hundreds and it was beautiful and there was more david bowie than i have seen anywhere and i found people that liked lou reed and that was good to be like ~bonding with strangers over music omg~ oop very difficult to type when mum keeps coming in !!!11! and friday night was beautiful, and i have always wanted to get high in warrandyte, and at that brief moment when i was intoxicated and on drugs and cigarettes and various things it was just perfect, and ~nothing mattered anymore~ and i was happy and so calm and moral of the story sanity sucks !!!! but yep. now its just later than i remembered it being, and there is still tomato sauce on my hand, and i'm overtired, and a little worried, and mostly just feel kind of sick.

"Well, I think I'll go turn myself off, And go on down, All the way down.. Really ain't no use in me hanging around"

I havent written anything in
so long
I hope I haven't forgotten how.
I have all these nice books too, made of some kind of paper thats all allusive, and then there they are,
just sitting blank.
you know, blank pages actually kind of depress me.
But I dont know here are some nice lyrics woo

Count your blemishes you can't they're all gone
I can't see your response putting them back on
Like they're waiting for your guard to fall
So they can see it all
And you're so occupied with what other persons are occupied with
And vice versa
And you've become what you thought was dumb
A fraction of the sum
And now it's coming back hasn't it come too far
I was trying to help but I guess I pushed too hard
And now we can't even touch it
Afraid it'll fall apart

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there are so many flies in my room
this is
so
ridiculous
there should not be this many flies how is this possible
i dont even understand how they got in here the door is shut as are the windows
what did they do
what did they even do
there is no logical way that they could have found themselves here
unless they climbed through tiny little gaps or something
but just
why
why the effort

"You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness, well jump on, enjoy, you can gorge away"

Today I went to the river again! It's become like a little habit or something. I have this little spot now, right by the water on this ledge thing, and you get this swell view of the water that runs into the sun and theres always this interesting light etc etc its great. And there are always fishermen hanging about on the side, just sort of watching, and birds, its like a new little world! I always sort of wonder what they're expecting to catch though. I thought it was only eels that are in the Yarra River. Who eats eels? Why would you want to catch an eel? There is nothing successful about that. But anyway, today on my trek back I saw this guy rollerblading in pink sunglasses and skinny jeans. It was great. Put me in a good mood for hours.

"Hope you had a good weekend; I did. Wasted at the Gay Pride Parade, yet again. Not even gay, I just love a parade."

I can never write on this blog anymore. I always just sit at the screen and sort of twiddle my fingers and then get distracted and stalk nick strmecki. So I thought; 'hey, theres a bunch of stuff in my books just growing mould, i mose well post it round somewhere.' Anyway, I went and got some juice and it exploded in my face and then I had a look through books and got distracted thinking about words and was like; 'i should totally try and get a job with jason crombie' so then I googled jason crombie and it turns out theres another jason crombie that is a little disabled child that died. And then I thought; you can just never escape sadness, can you? You can try and google a funny guy that posts pictures of cats eating pizza on the internet, and stumble upon a poor little child with a disability that has died. The moral of the story is, you can't be happy, even if you become a gypsy and run away every time something bad happens.

"None of this now needed, baby dead."

With TENZIN. kindof.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waVAFoMYBXM

"Lets do some living after we die"

I'm home its bad.
I miss London and Zoe and things bla bla etc.

The Stooges have a song that is 10 minutes 16 seconds long. Like, what. I thought you were supposed to be Punk. They also have a song called 'I wanna be your dog.' It goes a little something, like this;

So messed up
I want you here
In my room
I want you here
Now we're gonna be
Face-to-face
And I'll lay right down
In my favorite place

And now I wanna
Be your dog
Now I wanna
Be your dog
Now I wanna
Be your dog
Well c'mon

Now I'm ready
To close my eyes
And now I'm ready
To close my mind
And now I'm ready
To feel your hand
And lose my heart
On the burning sands

And now I wanna
Be your dog
And now I wanna
Be your dog
Now I wanna
Be your dog
Well c'mon

Hmm. Go Iggy.

I might write about Europe things later I dunno who knows what I'll do I'm crazy. Something pretty lame is that I listened to 'Wild Horses' on the plane and it reminds me of late nights with Zoe in her little Battersea apartment ALREADY like what I'm reminiscing two days after leaving and it made me all ~wistful~ so I looked out the window awhile. Alright I'm done ramblin'

bon chance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm in Paris and I just got back from a dinner picnic in the park right in front of the eiffel tower and I was with my gay american godfather and all our american friends and we ate cheese and prossutio and bagguetes and every hour we watched the eiffel tower sparkle and light up and I don't even have to try to smile anymore I just keep realising that I've got this stupid goofy grin on my face and sue kept putting her arm around me and saying; 'isn't this amazing, arent we so lucky' and I just nodded and did the stupid smile without even caring she was touching me and usually I hate anyone touching me but I didn't even care and I'm singing in the shower again did I ever even sing in the shower tonight I sung 'stand by me' and 'sugar pie honey bunch' and Eds boyfriend heard and I don't even care that my voice sounds like reincarnated dead things and wewent to the Louvre and there was this entire massive room of Portraits of this woman from the 17th century and she was middle aged and unattractive and half of them were here flashing her boob or just chilling on a horse naked and Matt kept remarking on how they were all featured in her house and how uncomfortable he would feel if he were a guest eating dinner and looking at naked photos of this woman at her house and I don't even know why it was so funny but I love Matt and Paris and I don't know I'm just in love with everything right now and I went for a walk tonight with Ed and we talked about how much I should travel and how when you live somewhere else you realise how much you love your home and I do, I mean I really really do and I don't know everything just seems so absolutely possible and wonderful and just...full. Just full.

"is the noise of the world so cacophonous that mine cannot be heard?'

Mum rolled her ankle this shouldn't be funny.
Anyway. I don't want to go home so much I may even shed a tear on the plane.
We went to Cambridge. It was gorgeous. Going to university there would be so beyond amazing..it was legitimately like stepping into a Jane Austen novel or something and they had the first original copy of winnie the pooh there! The very first! Handwritten by hand! There was a large group of very attractive scottish teenagers on the canal and I made an enlightening decision to live in either Glasgow or London when I graduate. Might have to skip out on university or something but oh well. Who needs learning! And now soon Zoe is taking us to some auction of Elizabeth Taylors diamonds at some exclusive event yay woo money.

"I'm just being" - Gordan

WOO

I'M IN LONDON.
IVE EATEN SO MANY FROSTY FLAKES YOU DONT EVEN KNOW.
I AM SO HAPPY.
WE'RE STAYING IN THIS LITTLE FLAT IN LIKE THIS MASSIVE STREET THATS ALL ENGLISHY AND HAS LIKE A GAZILLION ROWS OF THE SAME HOUSE MADE OUT OF BRICK AND IT LOOKS LIKE SKINS. THE TV SHOW. NOT ACTUAL SKIN. AND WE'RE IN THE TOP FLOOR AND YOU HAVE TO GO UP WINDY STAIRS AND YEP WOO.
ITS SO EARLY IN THE MORNING.
AND OMG THEY HAVE MALTESER ICE CREAMS BUT THEY'RE PRETTY CRAP SO YEP DON'T GET THEM AND THE TUBE IS PRETTY GOOD BUT THE TRAINS ARE SO SMALL THEY'RE LIKE THE SMALLEST THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN AND THEY REMIND ME OF HARRY POTTER. SO DO THE BUSES. THE BUSES ARE ALSO GOOD.
WE WENT TO THE TATE AND I GOT THIS REALLY COOL MAGAZINE THATS LIKE A PIECE OF ART AND ITS ABOUT SURREALIST WOMEN AND ITS SO CULTURED EVERY TIME I READ IT I FEEL LIKE MAN RAY OR SOMETHING AND WHAT ELSE HARRODS WAS WEIRD. BUT OMG SPITTAFIELDS. SPITTAFIELDS!!! EVERYONE GO TO SPITTAFIELDS ITS LIKE BRUNSWICK ONLY A 433252Q46Q6346 TIMES COOLER AND EVERYONE THERE ARE ALL PUNKY HIPSTER AND 'CUTTING EDGE' BLA BLA AND THEY HAVE THESE AMAZING AMAZING MARKETS WITH THESE CLOTHES THAT ARE LIKE SO COOL AND WOW THEY'RE LITERALLY MASSIVE MARKETS AND EVERYONE THERE ARE SO COOL AND HAVE LIKE MULTIPLE COLOURED HAIR AND DRESS ALL WILD AND ITS SO GREAT AND THEN YOU GO OUTSIDE AND THERES ALL THIS GRAFFITI ART AND EVEN BANKSY STUFF AND PEOPLE EATING CURRY ON THE SIDEWALK AND JOHN LENNON BILLBOARD THINGIES AND VINTAGE SHOPS WITH THESE LITTLE STARTING OUT DESIGNERS AND EVERYTHINGS SO FUCKING CHEAP ITS WILD. SOHO IS ALSO AWESOME AND HAS ALL THESE COOL CHEAP RECORD STORES AND A FUCKTON OF LIKE SEX SHOPS ESPECIALLY FOR GAYS BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO. AND WE'RE STAYING WITH ZOE, OUR FAMILY FRIEND WHOS ALL YOUNG AND FUN AND STUFF SO SHE'S SHOWING US THESE AWSUM PLACES SHES LIKE TIGHT WITH ADAM I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THEY HAD A THING GOING ON BUT ANYWAY WOW IM GOING TO GO TO CAMDEN TODAY YAY BYE.

"Stop whispering, start shouting"

I AM GOING TO EUROPE AND I HAVE FINISHED MY LIST

Things that make me happy:

Books I read when I was younger
Family holidays that are good
Bawley Point/Summer/Swimming/Sunny Days when you're outside
Laughing/Funny things
Compliments that are genuine or personal
Being with people that are happy/infectious good moods
Songs that remind me of happy things/are upbeat/have trumpet solos
Being in the state of mind of drunkenness
The feeling when people care
The Collingwood Childrens farm
Lovely Old people
GOOD conversations with my mum / laughing with my mum
Markets
The ricky gervais show / the office
Cute things people say / actual cute things like stuffed dogs or trinket stores
Unexpected days / rare days when great things happen
Little moments when things are impossibly beautiful (ie sunsets)
Meeting people that are just like you or you instantly connect with
People (sometimes.)
Perspective

People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it tight?

Gabe has my phone in his bag what.
Ha ha I just turned on my computer and the internet wireless pop up things came up and the available network was 'my wireless fuck off.' whatta legend, person. I want to track them down and give them a pat on the back.
Also on the way home I walked past this home that had this really feeble block of wood propped against it and a sign saying 'Please Take' and I found it really amusing because just..why. Who would go to all the trouble of putting it there and making the sign? Why not just dispose of your wood? And also, what kind of stupid person would actually take one block of free wood. I can just imagine someone, walking past, seeing it, getting all excited and then having to lug it home propped under one arm or something.

PEPLE R STEW PID.

Okay wait why has my blog gotten stupid and nonsensical again

"I saw a cockroach playing Pacman. It was on the internet..I cant even be bothered explaining it,but that's what I'm saying, everything is moving on"

Something stupid about my mum is that for her entire life she has deluded herself into believing that the phrase 'bung' is a term meaning to hit something and possibly uses it more frequently than anything else. In actual fact, bung is ;

bung |bə ng |
noun
a stopper for closing a hole in a container.
verb [ trans. ]
close with a stopper : the casks are bunged before delivery.
• ( bung something up) block (something), typically by overfilling it : you let vegetable peelings bung up the sink.
ORIGIN late Middle English : from Middle Dutch bonghe (noun).

which, to be honest, doesn't seem like something you can whip out five times a day.

I think I would like trying out being really really really small one day, like in Honey I Shrunk The Kids! (which is a classic film, by the way,) just to sort of wander about and that. Because I mean, bugs always look pretty content, dont they? They're shit small but they always seem to be enjoying themselves. And you'd notice things, wouldn't you? Textures of stuff and the like. I just think...theres something to it.

I got home and 'Friday on my Mind' was playing and Dad was singing along and I was happy and really, really enjoy trashy 60's music.

"I've been watchin birds more than insects recently, and the thing I've found with pigeons is: they've got wings but they walk a lot"

I don't mean to be disrespectful but America, you are ridiculous.
Particularly Fox news.

^ example of people that work at Fox news.
What are you doing, Fox news? What do you mean? Why are you there, turning everything into a christian-come-together-and-sing-kumbayah-america-is-the-best-nation-in-the-world! event? I mean, I feel for you over 9/11, terrible stuff, but like, what does this have to do with Jimmy the Priest, who feels the need to let everyone know all about how the victims of 9/11 will all be happy together (despite that they're dead) to have brought Good, White Americans together over their Beautiful Nation that is Superior To Everyone Else Because We Have Funky Types Of Junk Food.

Jon Stewarts alright though.

Hey look it was a week since my last blog post hahaha how convenient haha

Hello there woo I lack effort to think of things in my head and then write them down so here are quotes by someone generally more interesting or stupid or something. This weekend was...cold. The End.

"Jellyfish are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful."

"That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog."

"If I was Noah, I would have gone, "Hang on a minute, I've just seen somethin' that looks a bit like this, let it drown", have a bit of a clear out, but he was messin' about savin' everythin. If anythin', like I said, he didn't do us a favour, he saved too much. You can't move out there for stuff"

"Just been into the zoo, 'avin a look round an that. Went into the, er, into the aquarium. Mental, the amount of fish that are knockin' about"

On the Elephant Man:

“The first time you watch it you'll probably cry a bit. The second time you watch it you will probably think - boy that would be bad having a head like that being picked on - the third time you are probably thinking, er, how does he get his jumper on, er, then dunno probably bored of it the fourth time. But, but it's well worth watching.”

“The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’”

-Karl Pilkington

"Dont look in the mirror at the face you dont recognise."

I wonder if theres ever a moment in your life that literally irrevocably changes everything. Today I ate rice and sat by an outdoor fire and burnt leaves and cracked my phone so little shards of plastic or glass or whatever it is keep spontaneously falling out just as I delude myself into comfort. I woke up tired and lazy and stuff and am now continually tired and lazy and stuff. Hoorah!

Before you run away from me
Before you're lost between the notes
The beat goes round and round
The beat goes round and round
You never really got me there
I just pretended that I had
Words are blunt instruments
Words are a sawed-off shotgun

Come on and let it out
Come on and let it out
Come on and let it out
Come on and let it out

"All I ever wanted was to know what to do"

I will not wait to love as best as I can. We thought we were young and that there would be time to love well sometime in the future. This is a terrible way to think. It is no way to live, to wait to love.

Today I woke up in Tenzins room to the sound of the didgeridoo and huon shouting about something or rather and we sat outside and ate pastries and then I went to clifton hill and got hopelessly lost with becca and other things happened but I suppose those were the nicest. I came home and watched a movie with dad on the sofa and drank milo huddled under a blanket and maggie lay on me and I felt quite at peace. Oh! And I got stuck in melbourne central train station with Tully. It was incredibly unpleasant, but I had a bit of a laugh. At least, after everything, I can still regain my not particularly redeeming sense of humor.

We lose weeks like buttons, like pencils.

'The people on subways and trains, looking gray in the rain, as they stand disarrayed, oh, but people look well in the dark'

There are two days left of what has been a particularly unpleasant month! I have decided that when a month is over I should write on my calender what I rate it out of ten. This is because I get confused by things easily and I might look back next year and be all 'oh yes I had a splendid august' and there will be no evidence to say 'no caitlin, you didn't. the weather was erratic and you were home sick two days in a row. Also, you forgot to call your grandma on her birthday.'

All the people are dancing
and they're having such fun
I wish it could happen to me
Cause if you close the door
I'd never have to see the day again

I'm a long way from home

I picked a flower today and it smelt like my grandmas house. You know, I think if you get into the habit of being sad, or being hurt, it is quite incredibly hard to break out of it. Which is sad in itself, really. It was sunny today and it made 'most everything pretty.

Sometimes I think all people really want in life is someone that can distract them forever.

"Sometimes I think all I'm looking for in life is someone that can distract me forever"

TODAY I AM CONTENT! Bellas house was beautiful! I couldn't see people the whole night through all the candles so it was impossible to see anyones expressions. Gabe turned up at two in the morning extremely stoned with a strange friend and I was confused and tired and odd feeling. In the morning we squirted paint all over the carpet and Bellas walls were covered in the pictures and words of our minds. It all looked so hopelessly real and us and at night we danced on the street to somebodies IPod and I felt so lucky to have found these wonderful people and I spun circles in the middle of the road and looked up at the sky and knew the stars were there even though I couldn't see them. Becca and Max are the most beautiful pair I have ever seen.

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.
But why would I want to do a thing like that?

my mum said this is her favourite thing i have ever written wow!

sometimes on days when wind hinted and nudged at the trees - the girl lay outside on stiff grass - and waited for her thoughts to slow and hum - until they were like the trickle of water at the bottom of a cup - lazily she would trace patterns in the sky - and think about the vastness of - everything - and how we all start and end in the same place - so nothing really matters - but then if nothing matters does everything matter? - sometimes the sheer vastness of space overwhelmed her - but other times it was comforting - so many worlds are existing around us - so much live is being lived - surely the earth is brimming with life - and though it was scary - how big everything is - it was okay because - moments are consummate - she loved the sound of rippling air through leaves - and she loved the itchy feeling of the grass tickling her skin - she loved the way time seemed to roll like waves - and she loved those moments when you are lost - within yourself - within your world - she thought - 'insignificant seconds are the most beautiful' - and with a lingering calm - she waited for the moment when she would slip back - into the horrible tedium of life - where the littlest things were filled with anxiety - and feelings faded with each hour - and she wondered why it was so impossible - to just simply be - without such tedium over who you are being - - - -

I just found like this ridiculous multitude of photos of year 7 me that make me want to die I have to share them with something or ill just explode ok look



yep right this one isn't too bad I mean it's just me looking stupid and eating like yeah ha ha I'm eating that's ridiculous oh look my mouths open stupid me ha ha ha I am unattractive but just wait



oh my god look im randomly a gangster nobody saw that coming did they what a subtle transformation it is





there are no words to describe this facial expression. no words. im posting it twice because its ridiculous.

"To die by your side, is such a heavenly way to die"

Today I felt TIRED and then BORED and then a LITTLE BIT HAPPY and then SAD and then STILL SAD and then VERY VERY VERY HAPPY and now here I am, sort of normal levelled. I love Tenzins house and also Tenzin and I didn't feel even a little bit alone when I was with her, which was my feeling for lots of the day today. ALONE, as in. Which is quite a terrible thing, really, to feel alone. But here is a story okay

I was talking to my Dad on sunday about books but really we were talking about Pauls death, and he said something like 'do you think any book can be truly successful if it doesn't have death in it, because thats what all these famous books have, a horrible amount of death,' and I said 'well I don't know' and sort of hmm'd, and then he whispered a little 'it's the universal emotion, isn't it. the ultimate emotion, death.' and he said it just like that; 'the ultimate emotion.' and then I said, 'no, because you've forgotten love, haven't you. death wouldn't matter if it weren't for love.' and I felt a bit like I'd helped him, in some way, even if we were actually just talking about books and not something else hidden. Nothing would really matter if we didn't feel anything though, would it? Nobody would really do anything. We'd just be like trees, I suppose. Or rocks, even.

Who knows where the time goes

In the last three days my parents cried and I hugged my mum and rolled cigarettes and went swimming on the beach in my clothes and sat outside at night looking out over a mountain and watched my mum swear and cried at school because I just had no fucking idea what to do and drank an inhumane amount of tea and found starfish with Abigail and ate chick peas for the first time and watched gilmore girls with my two best friends and hysterically laughed with Tat because otherwise I probably would have screamed and I was scared and sad and then happy and then sad and then just sort of. okay. I'm not used to death. but I suppose we never really are. And today has been one of the happiest days in a really long time. But a sort of bittersweet happy, like you're accepting the sadness and the horrible things because you're ready to push on anyway, because you've got such reason to, because theres so much love behind all of that pain. People come together, over stuff like this. These are the sorts of times when people really need each other.

And I love tenzin, for the beautiful conversation we had over stupid itunes playlists. And I love tully, for her band names that are so terrible you have to hopelessly adore her. And I love charlie, for how shes dealing with so much loss and is battling through anyway, planted in my living room watching dvds. And I love my literature teacher, for being the only person that day to ask if I was okay and really, truly seem to mean it. And I love my dad, even if he can't handle emotion and breaks my heart a little bit. And most of all, I just really fucking love my mum to bits.

"It is fun to be alive. It's a hell of a lot better than being dead"

Today I didn't wear shoes on the way to the station and my feet got drenched and numb and it was cold and dark and there were lots of fluorescent lights and in art we developed photos into positives in the darkroom and it was my favourite part of the day and then Tayana came to my house and I have never laughed that hard about the contents of a fridge and to be perfectly, heartbreakingly honest, I don't think I will again.

No, I've never had a job
because I've never wanted one
I've seen you smile
but I've never really heard you laugh
so who is rich and who is poor?
I cannot say...
You are your Mother's only son
and you're a desperate one
But you've got everything now
you've got everything now
and what a terrible mess I've made of my life
oh what a mess I've made of my life

"The pages got thick with the ink and it stained her fingers blue and black"

Today I was home sick but not quite sick just sort of tired feeling I slept late and read a book and ate too much and i have forgotten what it feels like to be absolutely 100 percent healthy but i'm doing okay and that is enough. My book is incredibly graphic and it is about people addicted to heroin or speed or a whole assortment of things and sometimes they wake up in their own shit and vomit and sometimes they have to inject heroin through their dick which seems I mean you know horrible. But I guess the saddest part is they've lost the ability to have emotions, really. Or sustain thought. It kept raining today. I think sometimes rain is comforting and other times it just makes you feel isolated.

The girl saw everything because when the words are trapped outside of you there is nothing to do but everything else and so she looked around her and she wondered and she dreamed and to everyone else she was invisible so she could watch them with no fear but sometimes she wished they would look and sometimes she wished everything was different but didn't that just come with being alive?

"I only heard wisps of her words, and they fluttered through me like ripped paper."

Today was very great! In fact it was such a good day I watched the news with my father and discussed jimmy carter, things I would normally be in a far too annoyed mood to give a damn about!

But then two very important things happened....

Firstly, I dropped my really-good-book-about-seventies-racial-tension in the bath, deeming it completely drenched and VERY difficult to read (though that didn't stop me from trying ;) h3h3!) and secondly, I discovered there is an american version of the it crowd.

Let me repeat. An american version of the it crowd.
American version,
IT crowd.
IT Crowd American Version.
Americrowd.
IT.
CrowdAmerican.

I am now quite keen on the idea of suicide! Ha ha, just kiddin. I'm just a little bit annoyed!
Night everyone, stay happy, stay truexoxo

"And I'm wasted You can taste it Don't look at me that way"

Okay also has anybody noticed how great the sky is in winter am I alone in this thought?
Also facebook like why are you there everyone go away I only popped on for five seconds to check ma email and PEOPLE TALKED TO ME WHAT IS THAT. But why is facebook even a thing? Like what do we get out of it? TYPING WORDS? talking words is just as good and also you can move about a bit while you're at it. HOW DO I EVEN SAY GOODBYE TO THESE PEOPLE I WANT TO LEAVE what if I just go offline like excitingly quick yes that'll work so well wow.

I think I just worked out my blog isn't actually a blog its mostly just a stream of consciousness. This is probably a bad thing.

Fucking hell I'm tired you know a really comforting sound? That sound of a spoon stirring a tea cup. Like, the clinky sound on the side of the mug. Also the sound of our washing machine for some reason. And the ocean. Actually I think living by the ocean as a generalization would be supremely comforting.

But perhaps thats just me.

"And there was love inside the basement Where that woman used to lie In a sleeping bag we shared upon The floor most every night"

I AM OVERTIRED.
HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF ME BEING OVERTIRED.

Tat: ARE ANY OF MY JEANS AWFUL
OR MY JACKETS
OR MY SHIRTS....... IDK
EVERYTHING!!!1
Me:
SHIRTS
WHAT SHIRTS
SINCE WHEN DID YOU WEAR SHIRTS
Tat:
...............WHAT
Me:
SO YOU MEAN LIKE
WHAT
LIKE
Tat:
I DONT JUST
Me:
SHIRTS WITH THE LIKE
BUTTONS?
Tat:
WALK AROUND
WITHOUT A SHIRT ON
Me:
LIKE BUTTONED SHIRTS
Tat:
OH
I JUST MEANT
GENERALLY TOPS
THINGS THAT COVER THE TOP HALF OF MY BODY
Me:
OH I SEE
YES.
YOU DO WEAR THESE.

This weekend was amusing. Charlie winked at some 40 year old dude on the tram when we were all very drunk. I went to a gay rally and people tried to talk to me about socialism. Got invited to an athiests pub night. There were other funny things that happened but i forgot. Look at me bloggin like a pro ha ha fyne piece of literature rite here :))

"Don't leave me High. Don't leave me Dry." - Thom Yorke

There is nothing in our house but cheese magnums and oreos this is not even slightly helpful. Why are there so many oreos. This is ridiculous. Nobody needs this many oreos. Sometimes theres just too much of things, oreos. Do you not understand this?
So yep today was shit it was cold and it rained and my hands were numb and I accidentally dislodged the keychain from my key at lunch and got unnecessarily angry and spent like 15 unsuccessful minutes trying to put it back in and I forgot to bring money so, I don't know why that was inconvenient but it was. Maz made me laugh lots and lots and lots after lunch and I looked up attractive pictures of the clash. I'm moderately certain those were the only good parts of the day.

I might call my mum and complain about Preshils terrible VCE subjects now. Maybe eat oreos while I'm at it.

"There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me."

My laptop actually has five hours of battery how did this happen it's like a minor miracle or something. Is this even real? Is it actually possible to have five hours of battery? I think this evens out everything wrong with my life, actually. Having five hours of battery. Why, I could leave my laptop on and go on a short marathon and still come home with time to listen to a very quick song on itunes and how much more comforting can life get than that?

I feel a bit gross today. If mum-ster was here I'd talk to her, but at the moment its only Dad and we've just been talking extensively about communism and morgan freeman, which isn't too big on the heart warming scale. The positive and not so positive thing is that pretty much everything, contrived or otherwise passes eventually.
I mean, eventually Nickleback will break up as a band, but by the same token, eventually my dog will die, so I suppose life evens itself out in the end.

'My life is the story of everyone I've ever met.'

"I'd rather choke than swallow my pride"

PS:

'I wish that I could wash away
All those things I say
I'd like to get inside your head
And when I'm trying to talk some sense
I wonder if it's me
Or someone that I'd like to be '

Ok I need to learn how to sleep now yes.

"If I could've held you I would've held you but I'd choke rather than swallow my pride. Rip it up and start again"

Last night lots of things happened and i was drunk and it was embarrassing and ~~unclassy~~ and calypso took her top off and was quite horrifyingly insane and gabe is weirdly unaffected by copious amounts of alcohol and where even was becca and everyone was confused except nick.
apparently i had a very extensive moral debate with myself as to whether i was drunk or not, highlighted in one of my goldmine group of texts in which i said 'Hellloooooooo i am drunk!' and, two minutes later, quite randomly decisively, 'im not drunk!'

A couple things this weekend were horrible, except the clifton hill fun last night, and my conversation with Jules about being gay and Sigmund Freud at 11.30 at night on the train. But I might have still been a bit weird then, I'm not sure. Oh, and Victoria Market, possibly due to the Ponchos and Lollipops. So I suppose this weekend was nice, with exceptions. I met two people I've been excited to meet for awhile. They were both cool. As I expected. But being cool isn't that hard, really. Rediscovered the fragility of friendship. Want to sleep forever. People disappointed me, and others reminded me of why I love them more than the whole world. I drank milo in Tullys house after Tim Rogers at 1 in the morning and felt so safe I fell asleep talking. Thats what a good friendship is, I guess. I really love the Tenzin Gang, more than any other gang, actually. And there are many gangs I'm a part of.
At least three.

Sorry, Darcy.
theendineedtosleepforseveralhours.

"See, alone we stand, together we fall apart, Yeah, I think I'll be alright. I'm working so I won't have to try so hard, Tables, they turn sometimes"

I went to school today !!! Good on me! It was a great day actually even though I was sick and half the school thinks I'm a lesbian and the staff room ran out of sugar for tea. But if those are your only problems in life, then you're doin okay, you know?
Scarface is quite a good movie except Al Pacino has really unsettling eyes. And also, why do the mobsters always find it necessary to whip out chainsaws? I mean, what kind of a thrill do you get out of that? The blood just goes everywhere too, that stuff would take a good hour to clean. And the noise? You'd go deaf, surely! Them gangsters! Must be mad as hatters!

And now my fears
They come to me in threes,
So, I,
Sometimes,
Say, "Fate my friend,
You say the strangest things
I find, sometimes"

"Police and Thieves in the street, Oh Yeah! Fighting the nation with their guns and ammunition"

Hooray home sick again the party hasn't stopped just yet hahahahaha oh shoot me.
There is actually nothing to do but sit here on my bed and like cry into all these tissues I've scattered lovingly around my blanket. And its such a good day today outside

LOOK AT ALL THAT SUN AND HAPPINESS AND CHILDREN LAUGHING AND HORSES FROLICKING LANGUIDLY THROUGH FIELDS

and here I am alone in the house being alone and inside and ageing terribly in my agressive bitterness.
The one good thing that happened today is my new posters arrived so I can like burn fall out boy now WHY WERE YOU THERE, FALL OUT BOY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. WHAT DO YOU MEAN look how sick I am I'm constantly using capitals FOR NO REASON UNEXPECTEDLY TO APPEAR AS IF SHOUTING ok now I might just stand by the window staring out like a divorced spinster or something do divorced spinsters even do that i dont even care. I've just opened all my windows to let the air in NOW ALL WE DO IT WAIT AND SIT IT OUT. TOGETHER. :)))) FOREVER :DDDDD

"We're just dancing, we're just hugging, Singing, screaming, kissing, tugging On the sleeve of how it used to be "

Today Nothing Is Wrong Just Momentarily Confusing.

I think sometimes everyone just gets sick of people.
Like how you get sick of a book, or a type of tea, or a song. And then you either wait awhile and rediscover it suddenly on a rainy afternoon and have all that first-time, excited, childlike feeling come back, or you find a new book, or a new song, or a new, exotic type of tea to try out. Or perhaps it's just the same type of tea with no milk, or added milk, or sugar. Because sugar changes tea lots, actually. And I suppose it doesn't mean you like the person, or the book, or tea, or whatever it is any less, it's just one of those things. 'C'est La Vie,' like the French say, which is a quote that would mean nothing interesting at all in English but because it is in French amounts to a great big pondering metaphor.

But thats the sad thing about being alive, I guess. That you lose things so easily. Feelings, mostly. Or people. The hardest part of things changing is that it makes what you lost seem so much more important. I would say though, that some things aren't meant to be fixed.

Do it for the living and do it for the dead
Do it for the monsters under your bed
Do it for the teenagers and do it for your mom
Broken hearts hurt but they make you strong

"of all the gin joins in all the towns in all the world, she had to walk into mine"

Things I have completed today:
-cleaned my room so it is 'spick and span' which is a saying that doesn't really make a great deal of sense
-changed my computer background to a picture of king julian from madagascar
-an entire 1000 word Literature essay about Casablanca
-thats 1000 words
-about Casablanca
-which is, for the record, a fairly dull movie

And it is only 11.49 AM in the morning.
I also got Dad to rent me out American Psycho and In Bruges which I will watch! And then I can tick it off my little list with a self satisfied smile and a sort of 'ahh!' sigh.

'You know how you sound, Mr. Blaine? Like a man who's trying to convince himself of something he doesn't believe in his heart. '

I need a good sleep and to not have a cold and I need to see people that don't go to my school and I need party cake and the pontoon or tullys house or the park at clifton hill or anywhere else comforting and associated with situations where I was happy even if my memory is just really bad and I only remember the good things which I guess is a lot better than just remembering when you were sad and I need a sleepover where I stay up all night and take selfies on tullys mac and watch movies about lesbians and then see the sunrise and drink milo and feel happy and tired and awful but at home. And I need to feel at home. And close to things.
I don't think we were unhappy last summer. I don't think I was at all. We all loved each other without being sad or scared or insecure or anything or maybe that was just me. But everything and everyone was so bright and we did things for the first time, all the time, we actually did things and perhaps I was just sheltered but fuck theres not anything wrong with that really and it's too late for me to be blogging about anything sensical. My throat is sore so I am rambling.

'There you go baby, here am I
Well you, left me here so I could sit and cry
Golly gee, what have you done to me
But I guess it doesn't matter anymore'

"And Riff Firament Their" -Tatyana Andrew

Ha Ha so my throat is like killing me and every time I talk I sound like a man or just croak out something retarded and I just walked to the library with like my fourth fucking cup of tea and dropped my phone like 5 times and every time I dropped my phone I spilt tea all over myself and enjoyed a burning sensation and now I'm all alone in the library because I finished my work before the class even started and I have no friends except for these two random year 11s in front of me that have greasy hair and talk loudly and obnoxiously about not funny jokes cementing their lack of social skills and, as a bonus, today sabrina the gnome looking girl with the lazy eye sat with me h3h3h3 yay mi lyf :)))))))))

And now I'm going to go write a story about Russian Serfs that nobody reads and pretend to be learning omgilovethisschoolsomuchxoxo

"I do not count the time, for who knows where the time goes?"

I'm actually a bit concerned about the number of my friends that have made out in my bathroom. SHOWERING WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. Maybe its the little hint of danger that comes with the slippery tiles.
Will you stay upright? Will you fall? Do you know?
Regardless of the sexual shenanigans, saturday night was great etcetera etcetera. Guitar was played in my bathtub, so I consider it all a grand success.

In other news,
I HAVE DISCOVERED THE ORGAN, AND, LIKE SHEEP, ANIMALS THAT CANNOT TURN AROUND WHICH KNOW ABOUT, I AM NOT LOOKING BACK.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peQPDv4MpBg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mb3iPP-tHdA

^ Organ Necessities.

"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I am not living"

Sometimes I wonder if the chicken tapestry is on my wall because I legitimately enjoy it or just enjoy the idea of it.
I think thats an adequate enough metaphor for my life.

I wonder is it actually possible to be truly happy? Or even slightly happy? Because what does anybody have to compare to?
And am I selfish and am I selfish to think that I'm selfish?
And does everyone get this abhorrent feeling?
I feel kind of nothing. And thats worse than being sad I think.

Flail |flāl|
verb
1 wave or swing or cause to wave or swing wildly : [ intrans. ] his arms were flailing helplessly | [ trans. ] he flailed his arms and drove her away.
• [ intrans. ] flounder; struggle uselessly : I was flailing about in the water | he flailed around on the snow.

"Rebel children, I urge you, fight the turgid slick of conformity with which they seek to smother your glory."

TODAY I went home and watched Reservoir Dogs and ate chocolate and lemonade ugh I have such a great adventurous life I know I am just partying 24/7 all day long.

ANYWAY. Yesterday my lovely brother Adam and Erin got married and wow I CANNOT EXPLAIN IT I SHANT EVEN TRY.I mean I always wondered when I was at weddings how people cried because I was just sort of like okay yep they're getting married kudos to you guys but now I understand! They're so in love, it makes me very happy. And I love them both very much.
And, just to make this little post even longer, heres a fun Russell Brand quote that's decidedly irrelevant.

The light. The light is so bright that all that remains is you and the darkness. You can feel the audience breathing. It's like holding a gun or standing on a precipice and knowing you must jump. It feels slow and fast. It's like dying and being born and fucking and crying. It's like falling in love and being utterly alone with God; you taste your own mouth and feel your own skin and I knew I was alive and I knew who I was and that that wasn't who I'd been up till then. I'd been so far away but I knew I was home.

'Is it just, that how we manage, is not by love but force of habit?'

On the cement the outline of a rainbow lay in splattered paint. We had drawn it in the morning, in worn clothes with stiff paintbrushes, fingers numb with cold. The colors were wrong, blue put next to red, and the picture had dried messy and faint, the rain washed it and I watched the paint trickle away, the colours mixed in with the rain and ran down the gutter. Light made way for dark, the sky opened and softened. My breaths were slow and quiet to match the world, I shut my eyes and felt the darkening of the sky in my eyelids, smoky reds and purples and oranges grew faint, the rain thrummed, my breath murmured. The soap mixed in with the water, which mixed in with the paint, everything blurred and disappeared, 'surely this is metaphorical of something.' The rain fluttered down the sunset; Radiohead said 'I'm not living, I'm just killing time.' So much emotion is in everything.

'If I could be, who you wanted, If I could be, who you wanted. All the time. All the time....'

"I wouldn't trade one heart broken minute for a years worth of dull happiness"

I feel as if this is the type of conversation that only someone as horrible as me could find funny at all. But oh man. I actually chuckled as I wrote out my little replies. I thought I was the wittiest old fool to walk the earth.

Tat:
YEP
YEP
Me: Did you really need to send that twice?
Tat: Lolwat I actually didn't
Me: You did insolent fool!
Tat: I did not!
Me: Eat lightbulb!
Tat: What sort of a comeback is that?
Me: A comeback worthy of a king. And several of his men!
Tat: You are so lame
Me: I pity the fool!

In other news, oh my god oreos rock my world. Seriously, if it wasn't weird and unpleasant and probably illegal somehow, I WOULD KISS YOU, OREO. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND TRUE.

"Whatever you are, be a good one."

The letter my mum just gave to me:

'Dear Caitlin,
No one could have a more special and wonderful daughter than you. I love that you're writing letters to your friends and grandma, so here's one from me. I think you're very clever, kind, funny, loyal and pretty and I love you very much. I can't wait for our trip to Europe together and sharing lots of great times!
xxx Mum

ALSO. A Picture of Dorian Grey is a pretentious, cynical book that is trying to stick dated ideas down my throat. I AM MUCHOS ANNOYED-OS. Oscar Wilde I thought you were so great hey whats up with that man!?

"So what’s so interesting about you-o where’s the damage, where’s the fun? Think of all the things we done. But we’ll never do them no more-o"

In the words of Freddy Mercury;
‘I want to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free’
I guess we all do, don’t we? We all want to escape from ourselves, in some way. It’s like those stupid urges you get to start screaming, or shouting at the top of your lungs in public. Is it the deranged side of us trying to get out? To be honest, I think it could be a really cool existence if you let it. If you just let yourself...be.

At a conference of sociologists in America in 1977, love was defined as "the cognitive-affective state characterized by intrusive and obsessive fantasizing concerning reciprocity of amorant feelings by the object of the amorance." That is jargon - the practice of never calling a spade a spade when you might instead call it a manual earth-restructuring implement - and it is one of the great curses of modern English.

"I was heading to Nebraska. Now there's a sentence you don't want to say too often if you can possibly help it."

Last night was possibly one of the strangest, most confusing, ridiculous nights of my life. I have never in my wildest antics seen somebody so drunk they proceed to spend several hours talking in a strange, horrible twangy american accent and don't even notice it themselves. Then again, I've also never seen someone simultaneously half naked and vomiting, so there you go, let's chuck a little perspective into the ring. You know whats lovely? I spent several hours hanging out with my mum today. Joking like a couple of rascals, havin a laff and the like. I think it's really nice me and my mum can still hang out with each other after all this time. It's a great relationship to have, a good'un with your rents. On another note, Bill Bryson really is a god;

"It is not true that the English invented cricket as a way of making all other human endeavors look interesting and lively; that was merely an unintended side effect. ...It is the only sport that incorporates meal breaks. It is the only sport that shares its name with an insect. It is the only sport in which spectators burn as many calories as the players-more if they are moderately restless".

"What do you want from me?" he asks. What I want from every person in my life, I want to tell him. More."

status i saw just now:
'just saw harry potter...i cried 4 times...i must now see it at imax :P'

.....Like, okay man, cool....
I don't even understand how a person manages to do that though. Four fucking times? Seriously? I mean I get maybe when him and hermione were all like 'aaaah I'm gonna die soon bye I love you *HUG!*' but where are the other three times? WHERE? HIDING, ARE THEY? Some people get way too emotional about fantasy novels. But yep saw Harry Potter tonight with Jules n' Co GETTING ON THE OL' H-POTZ BAND WAGON. RIDIN ALONG, SEEIN THE VIEW.

Before I continue on my delightfully not at all funny Harry Potter rant, here is a cute little Mark Twain quote. He was a lovely man, Twain. I would have enjoyed meeting him I think. If I were alive back in the day. I think he would have had much good advice. Him and Oscar Wilde. Imagine if they were a team!! Or a kinky gay couple.

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

"Goddamn sometimes I only want this feeling to stay and last."

I am so happy right now in these lovely little holidays. If life was like the holidays all the time I think we would live in a much happier world, probably without war and world hunger and AIDS. We should all live the way Joe Strummer did before he died. How he would go around to all these different countries all over the world and see the communities and listen to all their different kinds of music and just take it all in. And he would live for months just camping, sitting around bonfires with all these interesting people, totally removed from the rest of the world. That was his dream, according to this documentary I watched. For the world to be full of campfires, all these happy communities. Yep the Clash aren't just a punk band boom.

Like he said;
"People can change anything they want to. And that means everything in the world. People are running about following their little tracks - I am one of them. But we've all got to stop just following our own little mouse trail. People can do anything - this is something that I'm beginning to learn. People are out there doing bad things to each other. That's because they've been dehumanised. It's time to take the humanity back into the center of the ring and follow that for a time. Greed, it ain't going anywhere. They should have that in a big billboard across Times Square. Without people you're nothing. "

"Why does what was beautiful suddenly shatter in hindsight because it concealed dark truths? Because happiness is only real if it lasts forever?"

I wonder if there is actually such thing as one true soul mate out of everyone in the world and if so is there one for everyone? Do we all match up in this really neat way? It kind of seems like there isn't since generally people spend more time picking out faults and being negative than letting ourselves be happy, me included, but I mean.. obviously you can fall in love for real. Otherwise there wouldn't be so many stupid songs. I suppose, in the end, I just don't want my life to be one refrain. I think it'd be very sad, to die without having loved anything truly. It's like J R Moehringer said 'being alone has nothing to do with how many people are around.' Which is true, as stupid a name J R Moehringer is.

The dark nights are drawing in
And your humour is as black as them
I look at yours, you laugh at mine
And "love" is just a miserable lie

"Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes."

So this morning I woke up at like 11.30, and the house was empty as per usual and I was like k whatever family don't leave a note or anything NOT LIKE I CARE, and then I was like k I'll have a shower but then there was NO CONDITIONER. So I was like oh HMMMM I'll lay out the clothes I'll wear today and go down to the pharmacy to get some conditioner. So I wander on down to the pharmacy looking like a homeless person that just got hit by a bus, and I got there and got really concerned for a sec because the only conditioner I could see was shit for like 28 bucks and I was all 'I DO NOT HAVE 28 BUCKS' but then I got some for 10. And then I got home and had a shower which was great very fulfilling all that and now my hair feels goddam amazing. Like I'm not even kidding I've just been sitting here stroking it for like 5 minutes. And now I'm waiting for Maz and Tatyana to arrive and I might watch angus thongs and perfect snogging because I love that movie on the quiet. cool story rite i no.

"Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'."

"I've never seen a wild thing feeling sorry for itself."

My 5 Favourite Things of Right Now:

-Erotic Martial Arts Action Comedy Films
-O Children by Nick Cave (I am morbidly shocked by the fact that I legitimately like a song by a man who looks like a half bald rapist, but there ye go! Lifes a mystery, eh? Never know whats going to appeal to your senses!)
-My Mother
-Tenzins Mother
-The thrilling lack of School I am currently enjoying.

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."

"I intend to scream, shout, race the engine, to do what I want to do and be whom I want to be and answer only to myself."

To quote ABIGAIL FISHER!* (yes, right back at you, name dropping all over the place,) "This weekend was like a story."
*Did I even spell it right? Oh, imagine the shame if I spelt your name wrong.

It was like a story, too. An Enid Blyton novel of some description. Only brought to modern times, with lots of Horny Nick. Too much, some might say.

And I mean, whatever, everything about everything was completely ridiculous, and my parents think Mr Gooch is utterly retarded, and he probably is, and we probably all are, but I guess thats nice, in a way. In the words of Tully, 'we're as screwed as a knob on a cornflake,' but it's a nice sort of screwed, isn't it? It is, in all the oddity, a strangely comforting mental image.

"I’m the girl who’s lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding further and further into the background. I need the thing that happens when your brain turns off and your heart turns on."

"Is there a God? If not, what are all these churches for? And who is Jesus' Dad?"

Tonight Tenzin and I played Scrabble.

'I'm not superstitious, but I am a little sticious."

"Ignore the Bird, and the Bird will ignore you"

Here are some lyrics to a song by the Cure that is very good and uncomfortably irrelevant to everything else but they remind me of A Little Mermaid which was an extremely inspirational film. Also -- great soundtrack. Beautiful.

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me -Just Like Heaven

I might just make this blog entirely Garth Bradbeer references seriously WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO SAY EVER.

Garth Bradbeer
sii that sad moment when u come across totaly randomly some1 u met a long time ago on fb and dont have the guts to say hi... or perhaps its intelligence, or respect
07 April at 21:05 · Like ·
WHAT DOES INTELLIGENCE OF RESPECT HAVE TO DO WITH THAT AT ALL OH MY GOD
Garth Bradbeer
mmm stake with potatos and union
11 June at 13:28 · Like ·
LOL STAKE
I LOVE ME SOME STAKE AND UNIONS.
Garth Bradbeer well it a yeee oldi term for serios and oblivios XP
06 June at 20:28 · Like
IT A YEE OLDI TERM GUISE
Garth Bradbeer
lol am i to wooden
06 June at 20:23 · Like ·
David Toulmin What? Are you trying to tell everyone you have a boner? Or are you just entirely unintelligible?
06 June at 20:25 · Like
Garth Bradbeer
good night all XD nomnomnom =Q dinner smells, fair moon
22 April at 19:07 · Like ·
WHAT
THAT IS LITERALLY JUST A SEEMINGLY RANDOM STRING OF WORDS.

WHY ARE TATYANAS CONVERSATIONS ALWAYS SO HILARIOUS

Garth Bradbeer
what r some of the fundemental principals of democrasy
5 minutes ago · Like ·
Tatyana: ......for real?
Garth Bradbeer
lololol the alquard wait for the lift to the place u were ment to be at 7 minnits ago
Friday at 18:07 · Like ·
Tatyana:
OH MY GOD IS HE SERIOUS
Garth Bradbeer
lol am i to wooden
06 June at 20:23 · Like ·
Tatyana:
WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN
Garth Bradbeer
i have dessided my ipod is killing my imagination, in sted of confronting issues thinking them through gathering information and expanding my thoughts i escape into the turbulent see on music in the serch for the perfect song , or feel the need to be spoon fed emotional stimulation. well lets see how long this lasts XP how long can i be botherd thinking over omnomnoming music
01 June at 23:09 · Like ·
Tatyana:
HAHAHAHAHAAH WHAT WHAT WHAT
Garth Bradbeer
darn i was gonna write some thing insightful and intelligent but thenlike to may complex and fassinating idears it was gorn befor i could write it down.
01 June at 23:05 · Like ·
Tatyana:
this is actually so retarded

"I come from Des Moines. Somebody had to."

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...

Ah, Don Maclean, you gun.
You know what I've discovered? I think you aren't really 'best friends' with someone unless you've met their parents, or their dog, or both. Or been to their house, and seen their room. Actually, come to think of it, you probably don't know someone so well unless you've seen photos of them as a child, and eaten a meal with them, and even spent a night with them, and talked into the wee hours in the morning about something stupid. I mean, it's fine and dandy to see someone every day for like an hour but you don't really know them, do you? I mean, you don't know about their past, or how they exist within their ABODE, or any of that. You only really know them as THEIR FACE, and what THEY SAY, but not what THEY ARE. See? Difference.
I think I have a fair few friends, but I don't have many like that. They're the SPESH ONES, as my mum would say. The ones that keep you truckin! <-- terrible metaphor. Seems weirdly kinky for some reason.

"If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat."

You know, I worked something out, as of late. I mean, sure, life may never live up to our expectations, and it's all devoid of meaning and la di da, but...I mean, even in the darkest times, we can still have a bit of a laugh, can't we? We can still have a bit of a sneaky chuckle! Why is all this stuff down here, all this trivial, meaningless stuff so important when all you have to do is look up and you’ve got outer space? All them stars, each a universe! Isn't that just wild? It’s seems so stupid, all this pointless pain, all this fierce sentiment. Because we might care too much, but we care. We might love people that don’t love us back, but still we have the capacity to love. I mean, loves probably a strong word, but still. There’s a reason we keep coming back, battered and bruised, committed to one last chance. We see something, in this existence. However small, we see something.

"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."

"When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend. I get a coffee and the paper; have my own conversations"

You know what I hate?
When people smile at strangers in public.
It is possibly the most awkward moment anyone can create for themselves, I say with a shaking of the fist, and thats a big call, because there are a lot of awkward moments out there waiting to be created. For instance: Rape. Thats but one.

Firstly, (yes I'm paragraphing this thought) its ridiculously uncomfortable if you do it yourself, and get no response or just a confused head nod.
And this makes it particularly awful, because, for me at least, the only time I do participate in the 'random smiling at strangers' thing is when I'm one of those incredibly rare good moods people get in which they voluntarily act retarded to spur themselves on, much like a moving wheel. And then of course the person smiles back but in a way that says, 'why the fuck are you smiling at me, punk? I don't need your smiles. I have friends of my own to smile with. Where are your friends? Huh? I don't see them anywhere. Hiding are they? -sly wink-
And then you're so cut up by being rejected and now having a hugely awkward situation with one random individual, you forget why you were even happy and end up doing something stupid, like walking into a pole or a nearby obese man drinking coffee.

The other awkward half of this situation is when you're the one being smiled at. For me, this comes as such a general shock, I end up having an uncomfortably delayed response in 'smile back' time and end up smiling at someone just as they have walked past, so I end up accidentally smiling at, say, a pole, or a nearby obese man drinking coffee.

You know what keeps me up at night? This shit.

"People are screwed up in this world. But I'd rather be with someone screwed up and open about it than somebody perfect and ready to explode."

Why can’t everybody just be open with each other? Seriously, just come out and say things. Because otherwise everyone is always left wondering how someone feels, and whether they upset them, and whether things are the same, and the thoughts in our get to the point where it's like a never ending loop or one of those terrible, terrible Maroon 5 songs you hear playing in computer stores and/or shopping malls that just go on forever and make you want to squeeze a dog. I mean really, its horrible.
And another note, everyone just get along, be civil. It's not that hard. Stop bitching about people because they’re not cool or they’re weird or don’t share the same view with you on whether dylan moran is funnier than the little guy with the beard or whatever, just realise that, to be honest, we are all dealing with so much stuff all the fucking time. And that sounds so horribly vapid but really, just stop with the typical teenager bitchy cliquey school thing, because it’s hard for everybody, this life phenomenon. Like Jonathan Safran Foer said, 'its pretty lonely to be anyone.' Which is so true. And we can almost entirely blame that on ourselves. Or the general human race. Moral of weirdly irrelevant story: People suck ;_____;

Holy mother of pearl I just found this in my documents from months ago and it's still so stunningly, stunningly relevant. I know, I know; 'god caitlin, you are a fantastic individual!' you say with a sense of badly contained wonder and delight. 'your words are true and beautiful.' I can see your thought process right now, you've jumped from seeing me as one of those socially awkward, unpleasant individuals that is always out of the circle, leaning in desperately and craning my neck to see whats happening not unlike a confused, lost sort of turtle, to nothing less than god. Yeah, people suck. Fucking bam.

"So you're leaving, aren't you? I knew it when you said just then when you told me you were leaving. That was when I definitely knew"

I don't know really. It's like I’m just filling in time and I’m waiting for my life to get to the good bit, when everything starts working, like those parts in movies where you get to the middle and everything is perfect and comes together and there are all those musical numbers and all that, but then I realize I’ve been waiting my whole life for that bit. And then I’m thinking maybe its never coming. Maybe I’m not letting it or maybe it never will. Or maybe it's not real, those lives. I wonder if everyone wasn't so fixated on perfection and comparison and all that what we'd be like. We should all do a Thoreux and jump on into the woods.

Brett: I said the humans are dead
Jemaine: I'm glad that they're dead
Brett:The humans are dead
Jemaine: I noticed they're dead
Brett: We used poisonous gasses
Jemaine: With traces of lead
Brett: And we poisoned their asses
Jemaine: Actually, their lungs.

"I didn't realize you wrote such bloody awful poetry, mr shankly"

I looked under my bed today and found a spoon and a lock of maggies hair. It was unnecessarily unpleasant. Speaking of which, I just caught her eating from my bin. Who does that? Her mouth is literally about as appetizing as a worm. I have nothing else to say, so I'll leave you with a sneaky surprise! You best strap seat belts on your eyes guys, because Im going to take them on the ride of their life!

Wyntons horrifyingly embarrassing love letter to Caitlin (I)

'dearest Caitlyn, (<--- WRONG SPELLING!)
I have a big, huge, and massive crush on you. (note use of three adjectives describing the exact same thing. Obvious good usage of thesaurus.) you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life. Words cannot describe how beautiful and amazing you are, (but that won't stop him from trying!!) your eyes are the prettiest eyes I have ever layed on. (......) will you go out on a date with me? Xoxo love wynton. P.s. I abseloutly love you xxxxx (stunningly subtle with emotions.)

"Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does."

The train wooshed past with a burst of sound and I watched the people that meant nothing. So many things are throbbing around us. So many lives are pulsating. Can't you feel it? Feel it within you, almost bursting? But the cobwebs were there, sticky, thick cobwebs in my squashed brain, and so still I could not understand. Under, under, under, 'think.' and nothing. I could feel myself falling, I could feel the dirt pressing on my shoulders, gathering at my fingertips. Around me, the people kept moving, thousands of them, all so faraway. I watched them tangle around me, heads filled with purpose, minds aching with emotion. It hit me as I breathed. 'in, out, in, out.'
'is this heartache,' I thought, 'or does this just come with being alive?'
The trains passed me, the people got on and off. Life continued, just like forever.
Am I sad or nothing?

"we were stupid, because we believed in things."
"why is this stupid?"
"because there are things not to be believed in."
"love?"
"there is no love, only the end of love."
"goodness?"
"do not be a fool."
"God?"
"if god exists, he is not to be believed in."

"He does something to me, that boy. Every time. It’s his only detriment. He steps on my heart. He makes me cry"

Late at night, a darkened room was holding its breath. The only sound in the room was one of a clock ticking, rhythmically tapping out into the inky night like a warning sign, ‘tick, tick tick.’ And silence. The room, unlit and small was scarcely more than a closet, a gathering of space that had been forgotten, tucked out of sight. Hanging next to the clock a big, wide window gazed out to the streets below. As the clock played its monotonous tune in the shadows, the window lay firmly shut and obscured by a curtain. If you threw the curtain away, the room would dance with the colors of the city, flashing lights and neon signs. Perhaps outside there were stars, little bursts of light in the air. Perhaps the moon was raining down on the tops of buildings, hanging from the clouds as if on a wire. But as it was, the room remained empty and black, nothing but a clock ringing out in the stale air and a girl, hidden underneath the folds of her blanket, lost in her lonely dreams.

The girl woke up slowly. Her eyes woke first, fluttering and flitting, shutting tight and opening wide, looking around, adjusting. This was always the way in the morning. Every awakening marked the end of some hopeless serenity, the listless dreams her only exit from ‘the real world,’ the stuff that hurt. The girl stretched, her muscles tightening, coiling. ‘Good Morning,’ she whispered. Then silence. And the clock.

At 7.00, the girl made a pot of tea. She timed it perfectly, first setting the kettle to boil, then laying out the mug, the sugar, the milk, the teaspoon, all the while pattering around in her worn stripy socks. When it was done, she sat in a hard wooden chair and drank it slowly, looking at nothing, thinking of nothing, and still the clock, and still the silence. But there was a world outside, she could hear it humming.

The girl dressed in the corner of her room, hiding from the window, the people might see, look up, idly wondering, and then her, getting dressed, we wouldn’t want that, it was easier if she hid. Quickly she put on her clothes, boring and drab but that was okay, clothes are just clothes, just material, and anyway where was the money to look good, to look presentable, it’s all for sex anyway isn’t it and goddam why is that clock so loud? She didn’t stop to look at herself afterwards, and anyway there were no mirrors. At 8.00, the girl picked up a suitcase. It was small, leather, boring, but maybe it was poetic too, the boringness of it all. Maybe there is something poetic in everything that seems to hold nothing, blank but for a sense of wistfulness. Or maybe it was just a suitcase and maybe it was just a clock and maybe everything was just exactly what it was and nothing more. The girl left her apartment quickly, in case something decided to hold her back.

Down the flights of stairs the girl climbed, and this time the only sound was her feet pattering, one step after another, ‘step step step step,’ but it was echoing loudly and all blending into one so it was more like ‘stepstepstepptestsep.’ She didn’t take the elevator, she didn’t trust elevators and anyway what if there was an emergency and she couldn’t get down; she would die there, in an elevator shaft with her terrible suitcase and imagine the embarrassment. She tried to hurry down the stairs to escape the sound but that only made it louder and it felt like there were a little man screaming ‘STEPSTEP’ in her head and banging on the walls.

And then the stairway abruptly ended and there was the street and the whole world was drawn out like a map only real, only complete and unwavering. And the clocks were everywhere, and the clocks were everything around her, (can you hear them, hear them screaming,) and the clocks were the cars buzzing and the advertisements shouting and the people scrawled like bugs on the pavement. And then the bugs crawled into her mind and they crawled into her brain and she realized the clock was ticking inside of her, it was always inside of her and it would never end. It would never end until she drew her last breath and the minute hand hung still and cold to the 12, ticking and silence. Finally, silence.

"he'd walked himself weak down it's endless blue streets and those who knew how to live kept their tantalising secret to themselves"

My mood is empty. The light is dull. The carpet stained. The dirt is everywhere. 'How much of our lives is repetition,' I think. I need to fix the lamp, it's broken. 'continued rhythms,' I think, 'continued thoughts.' I sit on the bed. My legs are folded. The dirt sits beneath me, thousands of particles, hiding like ants in the carpet. I imagine myself sitting there, surrounded by the grime. I imagine that is already myself now, only I am bigger. My chest aches, I am crumbling, folding. I cover my face to block out the pain, but with every breath it is still there. On and on, it will not end, there is nothing to wait for and I stare at a dusty spot on the wall, every movement is idle, blathering. 'Don't think,' I think. Beneath me, I imagine the dirt spreading through the floor like wildfire, past the books, up the wall, and finally, into my broken mind.

"I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life."

I sit in my room and stare out the window at the passing cars. I try to count them but there are too many, too many lives, too much noise, never ending. Sometimes they move slowly, or stop at traffic lights, but I know eventually they will leave, and I will forget, ‘patterns,’ I think, ‘we live by them.’ I think of how there is at least one person in every one of those cars, one person my life has crossed paths with, and I look at them in their cars, the people that mean nothing. It makes me sad, how lonely it all is. How many lives intersect every day? Every year? I press my face against the glass and hold it there, trying desperately to not think, not even breathe, maybe if I pretend to not exist very very hard I just. Won’t. ‘Hello, cars,’ I whisper, but they do not hear me, I wonder if people don’t hear you have you spoken at all? If you don’t see anybody do you exist at all? ‘There is such a fine line,’ I think, between being real and being nothing. It is raining. The rain drips down the outside of the window, gathers in tiny puddles and spurts out, runs in another direction. If you shut your eyes a bit, it looks like the water is dancing. If you blur your eyes even more, it looks like the window is crying. And still, the cars pass by me.