'The people on subways and trains, looking gray in the rain, as they stand disarrayed, oh, but people look well in the dark'

There are two days left of what has been a particularly unpleasant month! I have decided that when a month is over I should write on my calender what I rate it out of ten. This is because I get confused by things easily and I might look back next year and be all 'oh yes I had a splendid august' and there will be no evidence to say 'no caitlin, you didn't. the weather was erratic and you were home sick two days in a row. Also, you forgot to call your grandma on her birthday.'

All the people are dancing
and they're having such fun
I wish it could happen to me
Cause if you close the door
I'd never have to see the day again

I'm a long way from home

I picked a flower today and it smelt like my grandmas house. You know, I think if you get into the habit of being sad, or being hurt, it is quite incredibly hard to break out of it. Which is sad in itself, really. It was sunny today and it made 'most everything pretty.

Sometimes I think all people really want in life is someone that can distract them forever.

"Sometimes I think all I'm looking for in life is someone that can distract me forever"

TODAY I AM CONTENT! Bellas house was beautiful! I couldn't see people the whole night through all the candles so it was impossible to see anyones expressions. Gabe turned up at two in the morning extremely stoned with a strange friend and I was confused and tired and odd feeling. In the morning we squirted paint all over the carpet and Bellas walls were covered in the pictures and words of our minds. It all looked so hopelessly real and us and at night we danced on the street to somebodies IPod and I felt so lucky to have found these wonderful people and I spun circles in the middle of the road and looked up at the sky and knew the stars were there even though I couldn't see them. Becca and Max are the most beautiful pair I have ever seen.

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.
But why would I want to do a thing like that?

my mum said this is her favourite thing i have ever written wow!

sometimes on days when wind hinted and nudged at the trees - the girl lay outside on stiff grass - and waited for her thoughts to slow and hum - until they were like the trickle of water at the bottom of a cup - lazily she would trace patterns in the sky - and think about the vastness of - everything - and how we all start and end in the same place - so nothing really matters - but then if nothing matters does everything matter? - sometimes the sheer vastness of space overwhelmed her - but other times it was comforting - so many worlds are existing around us - so much live is being lived - surely the earth is brimming with life - and though it was scary - how big everything is - it was okay because - moments are consummate - she loved the sound of rippling air through leaves - and she loved the itchy feeling of the grass tickling her skin - she loved the way time seemed to roll like waves - and she loved those moments when you are lost - within yourself - within your world - she thought - 'insignificant seconds are the most beautiful' - and with a lingering calm - she waited for the moment when she would slip back - into the horrible tedium of life - where the littlest things were filled with anxiety - and feelings faded with each hour - and she wondered why it was so impossible - to just simply be - without such tedium over who you are being - - - -

I just found like this ridiculous multitude of photos of year 7 me that make me want to die I have to share them with something or ill just explode ok look



yep right this one isn't too bad I mean it's just me looking stupid and eating like yeah ha ha I'm eating that's ridiculous oh look my mouths open stupid me ha ha ha I am unattractive but just wait



oh my god look im randomly a gangster nobody saw that coming did they what a subtle transformation it is





there are no words to describe this facial expression. no words. im posting it twice because its ridiculous.

"To die by your side, is such a heavenly way to die"

Today I felt TIRED and then BORED and then a LITTLE BIT HAPPY and then SAD and then STILL SAD and then VERY VERY VERY HAPPY and now here I am, sort of normal levelled. I love Tenzins house and also Tenzin and I didn't feel even a little bit alone when I was with her, which was my feeling for lots of the day today. ALONE, as in. Which is quite a terrible thing, really, to feel alone. But here is a story okay

I was talking to my Dad on sunday about books but really we were talking about Pauls death, and he said something like 'do you think any book can be truly successful if it doesn't have death in it, because thats what all these famous books have, a horrible amount of death,' and I said 'well I don't know' and sort of hmm'd, and then he whispered a little 'it's the universal emotion, isn't it. the ultimate emotion, death.' and he said it just like that; 'the ultimate emotion.' and then I said, 'no, because you've forgotten love, haven't you. death wouldn't matter if it weren't for love.' and I felt a bit like I'd helped him, in some way, even if we were actually just talking about books and not something else hidden. Nothing would really matter if we didn't feel anything though, would it? Nobody would really do anything. We'd just be like trees, I suppose. Or rocks, even.

Who knows where the time goes

In the last three days my parents cried and I hugged my mum and rolled cigarettes and went swimming on the beach in my clothes and sat outside at night looking out over a mountain and watched my mum swear and cried at school because I just had no fucking idea what to do and drank an inhumane amount of tea and found starfish with Abigail and ate chick peas for the first time and watched gilmore girls with my two best friends and hysterically laughed with Tat because otherwise I probably would have screamed and I was scared and sad and then happy and then sad and then just sort of. okay. I'm not used to death. but I suppose we never really are. And today has been one of the happiest days in a really long time. But a sort of bittersweet happy, like you're accepting the sadness and the horrible things because you're ready to push on anyway, because you've got such reason to, because theres so much love behind all of that pain. People come together, over stuff like this. These are the sorts of times when people really need each other.

And I love tenzin, for the beautiful conversation we had over stupid itunes playlists. And I love tully, for her band names that are so terrible you have to hopelessly adore her. And I love charlie, for how shes dealing with so much loss and is battling through anyway, planted in my living room watching dvds. And I love my literature teacher, for being the only person that day to ask if I was okay and really, truly seem to mean it. And I love my dad, even if he can't handle emotion and breaks my heart a little bit. And most of all, I just really fucking love my mum to bits.

"It is fun to be alive. It's a hell of a lot better than being dead"

Today I didn't wear shoes on the way to the station and my feet got drenched and numb and it was cold and dark and there were lots of fluorescent lights and in art we developed photos into positives in the darkroom and it was my favourite part of the day and then Tayana came to my house and I have never laughed that hard about the contents of a fridge and to be perfectly, heartbreakingly honest, I don't think I will again.

No, I've never had a job
because I've never wanted one
I've seen you smile
but I've never really heard you laugh
so who is rich and who is poor?
I cannot say...
You are your Mother's only son
and you're a desperate one
But you've got everything now
you've got everything now
and what a terrible mess I've made of my life
oh what a mess I've made of my life

"The pages got thick with the ink and it stained her fingers blue and black"

Today I was home sick but not quite sick just sort of tired feeling I slept late and read a book and ate too much and i have forgotten what it feels like to be absolutely 100 percent healthy but i'm doing okay and that is enough. My book is incredibly graphic and it is about people addicted to heroin or speed or a whole assortment of things and sometimes they wake up in their own shit and vomit and sometimes they have to inject heroin through their dick which seems I mean you know horrible. But I guess the saddest part is they've lost the ability to have emotions, really. Or sustain thought. It kept raining today. I think sometimes rain is comforting and other times it just makes you feel isolated.

The girl saw everything because when the words are trapped outside of you there is nothing to do but everything else and so she looked around her and she wondered and she dreamed and to everyone else she was invisible so she could watch them with no fear but sometimes she wished they would look and sometimes she wished everything was different but didn't that just come with being alive?

"I only heard wisps of her words, and they fluttered through me like ripped paper."

Today was very great! In fact it was such a good day I watched the news with my father and discussed jimmy carter, things I would normally be in a far too annoyed mood to give a damn about!

But then two very important things happened....

Firstly, I dropped my really-good-book-about-seventies-racial-tension in the bath, deeming it completely drenched and VERY difficult to read (though that didn't stop me from trying ;) h3h3!) and secondly, I discovered there is an american version of the it crowd.

Let me repeat. An american version of the it crowd.
American version,
IT crowd.
IT Crowd American Version.
Americrowd.
IT.
CrowdAmerican.

I am now quite keen on the idea of suicide! Ha ha, just kiddin. I'm just a little bit annoyed!
Night everyone, stay happy, stay truexoxo

"And I'm wasted You can taste it Don't look at me that way"

Okay also has anybody noticed how great the sky is in winter am I alone in this thought?
Also facebook like why are you there everyone go away I only popped on for five seconds to check ma email and PEOPLE TALKED TO ME WHAT IS THAT. But why is facebook even a thing? Like what do we get out of it? TYPING WORDS? talking words is just as good and also you can move about a bit while you're at it. HOW DO I EVEN SAY GOODBYE TO THESE PEOPLE I WANT TO LEAVE what if I just go offline like excitingly quick yes that'll work so well wow.

I think I just worked out my blog isn't actually a blog its mostly just a stream of consciousness. This is probably a bad thing.

Fucking hell I'm tired you know a really comforting sound? That sound of a spoon stirring a tea cup. Like, the clinky sound on the side of the mug. Also the sound of our washing machine for some reason. And the ocean. Actually I think living by the ocean as a generalization would be supremely comforting.

But perhaps thats just me.

"And there was love inside the basement Where that woman used to lie In a sleeping bag we shared upon The floor most every night"

I AM OVERTIRED.
HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF ME BEING OVERTIRED.

Tat: ARE ANY OF MY JEANS AWFUL
OR MY JACKETS
OR MY SHIRTS....... IDK
EVERYTHING!!!1
Me:
SHIRTS
WHAT SHIRTS
SINCE WHEN DID YOU WEAR SHIRTS
Tat:
...............WHAT
Me:
SO YOU MEAN LIKE
WHAT
LIKE
Tat:
I DONT JUST
Me:
SHIRTS WITH THE LIKE
BUTTONS?
Tat:
WALK AROUND
WITHOUT A SHIRT ON
Me:
LIKE BUTTONED SHIRTS
Tat:
OH
I JUST MEANT
GENERALLY TOPS
THINGS THAT COVER THE TOP HALF OF MY BODY
Me:
OH I SEE
YES.
YOU DO WEAR THESE.

This weekend was amusing. Charlie winked at some 40 year old dude on the tram when we were all very drunk. I went to a gay rally and people tried to talk to me about socialism. Got invited to an athiests pub night. There were other funny things that happened but i forgot. Look at me bloggin like a pro ha ha fyne piece of literature rite here :))

"Don't leave me High. Don't leave me Dry." - Thom Yorke

There is nothing in our house but cheese magnums and oreos this is not even slightly helpful. Why are there so many oreos. This is ridiculous. Nobody needs this many oreos. Sometimes theres just too much of things, oreos. Do you not understand this?
So yep today was shit it was cold and it rained and my hands were numb and I accidentally dislodged the keychain from my key at lunch and got unnecessarily angry and spent like 15 unsuccessful minutes trying to put it back in and I forgot to bring money so, I don't know why that was inconvenient but it was. Maz made me laugh lots and lots and lots after lunch and I looked up attractive pictures of the clash. I'm moderately certain those were the only good parts of the day.

I might call my mum and complain about Preshils terrible VCE subjects now. Maybe eat oreos while I'm at it.

"There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me."

My laptop actually has five hours of battery how did this happen it's like a minor miracle or something. Is this even real? Is it actually possible to have five hours of battery? I think this evens out everything wrong with my life, actually. Having five hours of battery. Why, I could leave my laptop on and go on a short marathon and still come home with time to listen to a very quick song on itunes and how much more comforting can life get than that?

I feel a bit gross today. If mum-ster was here I'd talk to her, but at the moment its only Dad and we've just been talking extensively about communism and morgan freeman, which isn't too big on the heart warming scale. The positive and not so positive thing is that pretty much everything, contrived or otherwise passes eventually.
I mean, eventually Nickleback will break up as a band, but by the same token, eventually my dog will die, so I suppose life evens itself out in the end.

'My life is the story of everyone I've ever met.'

"I'd rather choke than swallow my pride"

PS:

'I wish that I could wash away
All those things I say
I'd like to get inside your head
And when I'm trying to talk some sense
I wonder if it's me
Or someone that I'd like to be '

Ok I need to learn how to sleep now yes.

"If I could've held you I would've held you but I'd choke rather than swallow my pride. Rip it up and start again"

Last night lots of things happened and i was drunk and it was embarrassing and ~~unclassy~~ and calypso took her top off and was quite horrifyingly insane and gabe is weirdly unaffected by copious amounts of alcohol and where even was becca and everyone was confused except nick.
apparently i had a very extensive moral debate with myself as to whether i was drunk or not, highlighted in one of my goldmine group of texts in which i said 'Hellloooooooo i am drunk!' and, two minutes later, quite randomly decisively, 'im not drunk!'

A couple things this weekend were horrible, except the clifton hill fun last night, and my conversation with Jules about being gay and Sigmund Freud at 11.30 at night on the train. But I might have still been a bit weird then, I'm not sure. Oh, and Victoria Market, possibly due to the Ponchos and Lollipops. So I suppose this weekend was nice, with exceptions. I met two people I've been excited to meet for awhile. They were both cool. As I expected. But being cool isn't that hard, really. Rediscovered the fragility of friendship. Want to sleep forever. People disappointed me, and others reminded me of why I love them more than the whole world. I drank milo in Tullys house after Tim Rogers at 1 in the morning and felt so safe I fell asleep talking. Thats what a good friendship is, I guess. I really love the Tenzin Gang, more than any other gang, actually. And there are many gangs I'm a part of.
At least three.

Sorry, Darcy.
theendineedtosleepforseveralhours.

"See, alone we stand, together we fall apart, Yeah, I think I'll be alright. I'm working so I won't have to try so hard, Tables, they turn sometimes"

I went to school today !!! Good on me! It was a great day actually even though I was sick and half the school thinks I'm a lesbian and the staff room ran out of sugar for tea. But if those are your only problems in life, then you're doin okay, you know?
Scarface is quite a good movie except Al Pacino has really unsettling eyes. And also, why do the mobsters always find it necessary to whip out chainsaws? I mean, what kind of a thrill do you get out of that? The blood just goes everywhere too, that stuff would take a good hour to clean. And the noise? You'd go deaf, surely! Them gangsters! Must be mad as hatters!

And now my fears
They come to me in threes,
So, I,
Sometimes,
Say, "Fate my friend,
You say the strangest things
I find, sometimes"

"Police and Thieves in the street, Oh Yeah! Fighting the nation with their guns and ammunition"

Hooray home sick again the party hasn't stopped just yet hahahahaha oh shoot me.
There is actually nothing to do but sit here on my bed and like cry into all these tissues I've scattered lovingly around my blanket. And its such a good day today outside

LOOK AT ALL THAT SUN AND HAPPINESS AND CHILDREN LAUGHING AND HORSES FROLICKING LANGUIDLY THROUGH FIELDS

and here I am alone in the house being alone and inside and ageing terribly in my agressive bitterness.
The one good thing that happened today is my new posters arrived so I can like burn fall out boy now WHY WERE YOU THERE, FALL OUT BOY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. WHAT DO YOU MEAN look how sick I am I'm constantly using capitals FOR NO REASON UNEXPECTEDLY TO APPEAR AS IF SHOUTING ok now I might just stand by the window staring out like a divorced spinster or something do divorced spinsters even do that i dont even care. I've just opened all my windows to let the air in NOW ALL WE DO IT WAIT AND SIT IT OUT. TOGETHER. :)))) FOREVER :DDDDD

"We're just dancing, we're just hugging, Singing, screaming, kissing, tugging On the sleeve of how it used to be "

Today Nothing Is Wrong Just Momentarily Confusing.

I think sometimes everyone just gets sick of people.
Like how you get sick of a book, or a type of tea, or a song. And then you either wait awhile and rediscover it suddenly on a rainy afternoon and have all that first-time, excited, childlike feeling come back, or you find a new book, or a new song, or a new, exotic type of tea to try out. Or perhaps it's just the same type of tea with no milk, or added milk, or sugar. Because sugar changes tea lots, actually. And I suppose it doesn't mean you like the person, or the book, or tea, or whatever it is any less, it's just one of those things. 'C'est La Vie,' like the French say, which is a quote that would mean nothing interesting at all in English but because it is in French amounts to a great big pondering metaphor.

But thats the sad thing about being alive, I guess. That you lose things so easily. Feelings, mostly. Or people. The hardest part of things changing is that it makes what you lost seem so much more important. I would say though, that some things aren't meant to be fixed.

Do it for the living and do it for the dead
Do it for the monsters under your bed
Do it for the teenagers and do it for your mom
Broken hearts hurt but they make you strong

"of all the gin joins in all the towns in all the world, she had to walk into mine"

Things I have completed today:
-cleaned my room so it is 'spick and span' which is a saying that doesn't really make a great deal of sense
-changed my computer background to a picture of king julian from madagascar
-an entire 1000 word Literature essay about Casablanca
-thats 1000 words
-about Casablanca
-which is, for the record, a fairly dull movie

And it is only 11.49 AM in the morning.
I also got Dad to rent me out American Psycho and In Bruges which I will watch! And then I can tick it off my little list with a self satisfied smile and a sort of 'ahh!' sigh.

'You know how you sound, Mr. Blaine? Like a man who's trying to convince himself of something he doesn't believe in his heart. '

I need a good sleep and to not have a cold and I need to see people that don't go to my school and I need party cake and the pontoon or tullys house or the park at clifton hill or anywhere else comforting and associated with situations where I was happy even if my memory is just really bad and I only remember the good things which I guess is a lot better than just remembering when you were sad and I need a sleepover where I stay up all night and take selfies on tullys mac and watch movies about lesbians and then see the sunrise and drink milo and feel happy and tired and awful but at home. And I need to feel at home. And close to things.
I don't think we were unhappy last summer. I don't think I was at all. We all loved each other without being sad or scared or insecure or anything or maybe that was just me. But everything and everyone was so bright and we did things for the first time, all the time, we actually did things and perhaps I was just sheltered but fuck theres not anything wrong with that really and it's too late for me to be blogging about anything sensical. My throat is sore so I am rambling.

'There you go baby, here am I
Well you, left me here so I could sit and cry
Golly gee, what have you done to me
But I guess it doesn't matter anymore'